Hey, Bruh. Hope you have had some time to relax and warm up before the workshop was back up for the year. I know I seem a bit old to write you but I have some concerns about the way you do business.
You see us when we’re sleeping. You know when we’re awake. - I have watched a LOT of police procedurals and serial killer shows. I see the signs. This behavior is stalking, Mr. Claus, and frankly it is not cool. How do you keep up this surveillance? Do you have a dedicated elf team for this? Are they paid a living wage? Do they get benefits? An employee stock option? Is there a retirement plan, 401K with a company match, or a pension plan for these pointy eared lackeys? How do they surveil? What happens to my footage? Do you sell my information to SPAM email or robo-call companies? Have you looked into selling this technology to the government? How do I get my grubby sausage hands on shares?
You know if we’ve been bad or good. - What is your criteria? Is there a general rubric or is there one based on culture? Or individual child? Do the same people grade my behavior every year? Is it anonymous to the grader? How am I guaranteed an unbiased, fair score? When is the list finalized? Can I be one one list for most of the year and then switch because of one deed? How often is behavior reviewed? Is it a highlight/lowlight reel of the year? What about those that are neither good nor bad? Is there a mediocre list? Do they get gifts?
You kiss our moms and let them tickle you under the mistletoe. If you know when we’re sleeping and when we’re awake, wouldn’t you know we were creepin’ down the stairs and watching this madness? This is NOT the way we want to find out if your parents were swingers or had an open relationship. What’s in my stocking? “Merry Christmas, kiddo, here’s an ancestry kit. Let’s see if you are native North Polian?”
Have you updated your lists to include all genders? It is 2017, Sir. I suggest you get on it.
What are your policies for working animals? What is their housing situation?
Why did you let all the other reindeer be so mean to Rudolph? Y’all saw the light when you were in need though. (see what I did there? PUN CENTRAL)Do you hold town hall meetings to address these issues? Can you send me the minutes that pertain to my concerns?
While you’re at it, and if there is room on your sleigh, I would like:
*A new phone, preferably an iPhone
*A 1968 or 1969 Chevy Nova, in olive green. Teal, purple or black are also acceptable.
*Tahitian black pearl stud earrings
*A house with an ocean view but far enough that I don’t have to worry about beach goer’s stealing my parking or tsunamis.
*If all out of ocean view homes, a farm is also a-ok with me. 2 cows, 2 goats, 2 sheep, 1 large orange barn cat, and mad veggies growing, please.
*Some Cinderella and Snow White vibes. I want the forest critters to be my friends. And help me clean. And do my hair.
*A food truck. Either one for desserts (no name chosen) or Hawaiian food (Everyone Gets Lei’d)
*All the tattoos I want but without the money or pain
*The ability to sing without making the ears of those around me bleed
*To be independently wealthy