Today is a fairly dreary day in New England. I actually quite enjoy days like this. They are good for reflection. And there are some excellent jams on at work (currently: Guster <3). I keep coming back to the concept of what I am meant to do and today seemed like a good day to have a think about it.
Don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoy my job most days. Not always all the people I work with but who likes all of their co-workers all the time? I am good at what I do--I am a wiz with the software and being detail oriented comes naturally. And girl can multitask with the best. Lately, I just feel...empty when I leave. Emotionally drained. Stressed to the point my muscles hurt. I am the type of employee that comes in and does more than my share of the work, never shying away from taking on more. I naturally try to climb any ladder there is. But these days it all seems so… Meaningless. I am a cog in the corporate machine. I work on the fringe of large companies, adding to the empire of The Man. I just never thought I’d be here. I never thought “Hey girl, what about a business career? Or one that works hand in hand with big business?” Sure, there was a hot second in college where I thought PR was the route for me. That lasted a semester. I realized my peers were driven by the almighty dollar and that I wouldn’t survive in an industry like that.
I always saw myself as a teacher or a community leader or even working in women’s rights. My fancier day dreams lead me to a life of the stage or running my own literary magazine or (and WHOA-dream big here) having my own show on Food Network. Or to be the most academically gay person possible (see below for an explanation). Now, I feel far less sure of myself and wish I had the excitement for what could be as I used to. There are days I feel trapped here because of money. Wouldn’t be extremely irresponsible if I left and ended up someplace I made less? If we want a house, a second car, a kid, or heck-even a vacation shouldn’t I do the right thing for us and stay?
How do we, as adults, create a fulfilling life? How do we find a place in the world that balances needs and expression? Is it possible? Scratch that. Is it possible without working 2 or more jobs?
In general, I feel like I do not excel. Like I am something akin to a jack of all trades-knowing about a lot of things but never mastering anything. Maybe I don’t give myself enough credit or maybe I am dead on. Maybe I recognize that I can do a few things but don’t think it is good enough. The hardest part of reflecting on this is trying to figure out what it is that I am good at and trying to take that a step further.
My dad wanted us to start a catering business or restaurant specializing in Hawaiian food. While I’d love to honor that dream I don’t know if I live in a market where that would be profitable. I also worry I am too far removed for it to be authentic enough.
...But I can marry flavors like a boss. I have shown that in cupcakes and candy. A bakery or sweet shop has been on my radar since I graduated high school. I got accepted to Johnson and Wales for baking. It was a huge victory for me. However, having any kind of business is super risky and takes far more money than I have available. I can talk about food for daaaaaaays, which has always made me want to have a food show. But then I remember that I am fat and worry no one would watch it because of that.
In college, I worked on our literary magazine for a semester as an editor. It was exhilarating to pick the pieces and try to fit them together in an abstract story. I’ve thought about trying to start one online but have no idea where to even begin.
And then there is my love gender and queer studies. My goal for awhile was to be the most academically gay person alive. Degree in Gender and Queer Studies and working for a non-profit or queer publishing house. Maybe teaching it. I can read gender and queer symbolism easily and find it fascinating.
...I don’t even know where I am going with this post anymore. I am impressed if you made it this far. Here’s hoping today’s contemplation is a step closer to figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.
