Tess Holliday, Fat Backlash, and Why I am Afraid

For those of you who do not know: Tess Holliday is a beautiful, majestic creature that we mere mortals are not worthy of.



 
For those of you who still do not know: Tess Holliday is a size 22 model who recently was on the cover of people magazine. THE COVER. She has also done Vogue Italia. And did a look book for Torrid. This is a big (ba dum tssss) (see what I did there?) deal.

               

    People on the left, Vogue Italia on the right. MAJECTIC CREATURE AMIRITE?!?!?!

This lady has brought plus-size to the plus-size modeling game. Traditionally, plus-size models were in the size 10-12 range. In my brain, anything over a 16 is plus-size as that is where you typically stop finding availability in stores. A lot of plus-sized retailers are pushing their size brackets further down - Torrid now starting at 12 and Lane Bryant at 14 for example. While I would love to argue what actually *is* plus, that is not for today.

With Tess' media visibility, we have a new plus-size icon. One that models plus-size cloths on a plus-size body. I truly mean no offense to the models in the 10-12 range that model the smaller end of plus-size clothes. Keep on, keepin' on. Y'all are beautiful.  It is just nice to see what an item would look like on a body similar to mine. It's humbling, inspiring, refreshing, and a little bit revolutionary. Something that had myself and many of my fat peers had access to growing up could have helped with body dysmorphia, self esteem, and a lot of other issues in a major way.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where making fun of or criticizing fat people (and yes, it is ok to say fat. I promise.) is still considered funny, valid, and completely acceptable. It is one of the last bastions assholes can hold on to and not get called out for when expressing their opinions. A sub-cockle of the internet where perceived anonymity and distance fuels self-righteous indignation that someone dare to be different than their perceived norm.

I understand fat people are not the only ones attacked online or in real life for their appearance. What I am saying is that it is still considered acceptable to do it. THAT is the problem.

Having someone like Tess, who is fearlessly and unapologetically herself, is something we (please understand this we as the fat folks of the universe) desperately need. People need to see those that mirror themselves in a positive light from an early age. We need role models of all shapes, sizes, races, religions, sexualities, genders - You name it, we (this time, I mean all of us, not just my fat folks) need it. But more than anything, we need role models that look like us. Strong people, trail blazing for those to follow.

Recently, the crop top has been a heated debate. Fearless fat babe and feminist Virgie Tovar wrote a Buzzfeed article about fat people in crop tops. Regardless of size, we shouldn't police women's bodies. Clothing is an expression of self and should not be mocked or ridiculed. Tess posted a totally adorable photo set of her in a crop top. The backlash on both Virgie's article and Tess' photo as well as anything that is close to fat-positive is met with so much vitriol it is nauseating to read. And I always read the comments. Because I am a glutton for punishment and terrific at making myself feel bad. Here is a tame example of the shit slinging people do:

Tess in all her adorable glory.

                      



Sadly, this truly is tame when it comes to the backlash fat people get for posting pictures on the internet. Especially if they look like they are enjoying themselves or consuming food/beverage. Even if as a fat person you live a healthy lifestyle, eat well/balanced, exercise, and/or have a great bill of health from your doctor people assume the worst and lecture you for your choices. And health is always the reason they do it. Looking out for your health, because you are promoting an unhealthy lifestyle, possible health issues in the future, etc. No one looks at the socio-economic ties. Or that some medications and conditions make you gain weight rapidly and make it almost impossible to lose said weight (look! a health reason that is legit!). While they may only be words, when younger people read these comments the linger effect can be devastating. Shit, it can be devastating to anyone...myself included.

Reading the comments, for me, is always a terrible idea. The negativity is consuming and crushing. Growing up fat without role models in the media was tough. I didn't feel right or normal or that I had worth. As an adult I still grapple with that daily. I may understand they are only words and opinions of people I will most likely never meet, the knowledge that this is how people could potentially feel about me breaks my spirit. I used to like the beach. I spent almost every day of the summer there or quite a few years. Now? Twice a year tops: the Fourth of July and our nephews' family birthday party. Why? Because I am fat. People don't want to see fat people at the beach.

To fear being in public at a place that was once a source of joy is the worst kind of mindfuck you can ask for. When a place of atonement (and one that made me feel connected to my family and roots) becomes a place of fear and anxiety, you lose a sacred thing. You lose a part of yourself and with that a great deal of dignity. For me, it doesn't end at the beach. It has carried over into most aspects of my life. The idea of being considered repulsive does not motivate me to lose weight. It makes me retreat into the darkest corners of my mind where I point everything wrong with me and let the weight (I did it again! ba dum tsss) of other people's opinions crush me.

If you have followed this blog, you may say "hold up, MPA. Aren't you in Rocky Horror? Don't you run around in very little in front of an audience?" Yes, I do. I play two of the less dressed roles (Janet and Dr. Frank-N-Furter) as well as one of the most covered (Magenta). I freak out about it before every show, right up until I am on stage. And then sometimes for the whole show. But I do it. As weird as Rocky Horror is, the community is often welcoming and hold the core belief of "Don't Dream it, Be it." I am still paralyzed with fright that I am too fat or ugly or terrible or repulsive to go out there. I push myself to help reclaim parts of my dignity and pride.

 

                                                       

Me, doing the thing. Trying to be brave. Hilariously blocking out my cast mates' faces

So, why am I talking about this? I wanted to cosplay The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl for Boston Comic Con. I was so down for this. But I read the comments. I let people's issues and negativity get the best of me. I retreated, allowing myself to be swallowed up in the storm of my own darkness and decided maybe it isn't the best choice. Even though she has on leggings/tights, she is still wearing a bathing suit. I know I could pull it off - For Christ's sake, I prance around in a corset on stage for 2 hours after a small breakdown...I got this - but my infantile confidence falters when I realize there will be pictures. And not ones I have consented to. I may become a punching bag for the internet and I just don't know if I am strong enough to handle that. I shouldn't have to fear this. No one should, yet this is the reality of being fat (and a woman) in our world.

Perhaps we need to sit back and really think about why we feel we can comment so negatively on others when we know nothing about them. Perhaps we need to think about how our actions and words, written or spoken, effect those they are aimed at as well as those reading or listening.

Until then, I am going to continue trying to be (unapologetically) my authentic self. And try to live by some of Tess' words:



3, 2, 1: A Musical PSA

Life has been a blur lately. Rocky Horror is keeping me insanely busy this October. We're getting ready to leave Gloucester and move to Lynn in November. And, work has been... Work. One thing has remained constant: Tune-age. It's time to pull out my musical soap box again and dole out some tips on tunes to get you through the day.

In this installment, I present 3 songs you should listen to, 2 local artists to look out for, and 1 song you should probably try to forget about.

3:

The biggest band on the list (and the best come back news I have heard in a while) is the triumphant return of one of my favorite groups, Counting Crows. From Mr. Jones to pretty much anything they put out, I am there and always pleased. Not to mention, Adam Duritz started my obsession with dread on white guys (and Laaaaaaaaawd, do I still want to have dreads some day as well).



I didn't choose the awkward life, it chose me.
 

Well, the guys are back with a new album called Somewhere Under Wonderland. The first single released didn't get much play here, but the second single "Scarecrow" is blowing up and it is pure magic. This song brings carefully crafted music together with lyrics that are stirring and whimsical and perfect. (I am starting to fan girl here). The video is the first in a series and embodies the very American rock feel of the track. And it doesn't star the band (I missed the dreads, #nolies), which is very abnormal but extremely refreshing.

 

Dig it and want to listen to more? Try on: Round Here, Mr. Jones, A Long December, The Ghost in You, or Hanginaround. Want to feel moved after listening to a song? Queue up Colorblind. Simple lyrics but the delivery is overwhelming.

 

 

 

A lesser known but rad band to look out for is Walk the Moon. Sometimes described as "indie pop-art" this band is a 4 man set up full of multitasking musicians that create a fun sound to groove to. Definitely inde in genre, it is clear that there are some New Wave influences here which is probably why I dig them as much as I do. The first single to drop off their second studio album Talking is Hard is "Shut Up and Dance." The lyrics are sweet and catchy, making the already very dancey music last in your head long after the song is over--But not in that terrible way that makes you want a lobotomy.

 



 

 

Last on the list of things you should be listening to is Sheppard. This Australian indie pop band started out as a brother and sister duo but expanded (and added another sister to the mix as well) a few years ago. They dropped their first studio album Bombs Away in July and their first single "Geronimo" was released in February in Australia where is reached number one. It is now out in the US and I am hoping it makes a big splash here. Heavy on repetition and rhyme, the lyrics are quick to commit to memory making it a great song for the mid-day work slump. The almost haunting quality of the faded out female voice singing the phrase "bombs away" adds a little depth to the pure indie pop formula of the song.

 



 

2.

 

I am a big supporter of local artists, regardless of the media they work with. Massachusetts, and the North East in general, have put out many fantastic artists including some phenominal musicians. I am going to focus on two today, One gaining a lot of radio play with multiple songs that have been used on TV and one I happened to stumble upon at the Topsfield Fair.

 

Will Dailey is a Boston based artist that has 6 or 7 albums under his belt and has steadily had his music featured on TV shows since 2006. Will has a rich voice that pairs well with his retro sound. The finished product lays at the nexus of vintage rock, roots, and pop. His current radio hit, "Sunken Ship," is off of his latest album National Throat and the song is a finalist in the 2013 International Songwriting Competion.

 



 

 

The second band in this category is Gretchen and The Pickpockets. The Husband and I venture to teh Topsfield Fair every year with some of our friends, and while this year's group attendance was low we had a fabulous time with the Beautiful Amazon, the Leatherman, and the Wee Amazon. We stopped for some noms, because what is a trip to the fair without delicious fair food, and the men found us seating right by the stage this band was jamming on. Serendipitous.

 

Gretchen and The Pickpockets hail from New Hampshire but play shows all around New England (and beyond). A simple set up of 2 guitars, a bass, drums, back up vocals by the guys with lead vocals by Gretchen, and a little trumpet-they work together so well to create a sound as unexpected as it is lovely. The set we heard was covers. Gretchen has a smokey, bluesy, soulful quality to her voice that helps transform the songs they are covering to a point that it feels like you are rediscovering them. I haven't heard the cover I have posted below... but I am a sucker for covers of Lorde's "Royals." I hope its as good as their set was. JK... I can't find it to upload. So an Imagine Dragons cover will have to do.

 

 

1.

And that brings us to the less awesome segment: a song you should try to forget about. I say try because it is SO GODDAMNED CATCHY and it is EVERYWHERE.

 

Also hailing from Massachusetts is Meghan Trainor. Her song "All About That Bass" blew up the charts in a blink of an eye. Its dancey, and catchy... and the message isn't completely terrible. Her skinny bitches dig, is followed by "no, I'm just playing" which can seem like a half-hearted way of trying not to alienate the skinnier listeners. No one needs to put down another to lift someone else up, even in jest. I am pretty ok with most of the song. Yay, self-love! Yay, acceptance! Yay, body positivity! Yay, calling out magazines' impossible beauty standards! BUT REMEMBER, BOYS LIKE MORE BOOTY TO HOLD ON TO AT NIGHT. AND THEY LIKE IT WHEN YOU HAVE BOOM BOOM/ALL THE RIGHT JUNK IN THE RIGHT PLACES.

 

*sigh*

 

Really? Your mama told you that it's ok to be larger because boys like more booty to hold on to?

 

LIES.

 

The video is adorably...pink. And Ms. Trainor is adorable. But the truly best part of the video if the gentleman with the sweater around his shoulders gettin' down like he is Jimmy Junior Pesto (#allriiiiiiiiiiiiiight). What could have been a truly empowering song ends up sending mixed messages about body acceptance.

 







Back on the Horse?

Wow. So I never ended up making that Singapore Chow Mei Fun (womp womp). And life has been cray, 50 Shades of Cray. BUUUUT, a lot of awesome stuff has happened with a dash of terrible and a lot of crying.

On an extremely positive note: I am an Auntie again! The wee neice is beautiful and perfect. And has the coolest room ever, thanks to her crafty mom and carpenter dad.

I also took on a new RHPS role: Dr. Frank-N-Furter! This is/was awesome. However, the lead up to it was...not. It was a week of tears. I am pretty sure I cried myself dehydrated. I had packages of costume pieces and make-up stolen after delivery (Bless Amazon for being so great about stolen shipments/refunds.). Costume pieces not fitting. Things being comically too small. And some epic last minute punting by The Husband.

The show was good. For those who are unaware of my RHPS nerdage: The cast I am in is one I directed for a few years a while back. I spent years stage managing shows or just taking notes while directing. I am hyper-critical of my own performance (not as much for others). I got in my head, BAD. I decided EVERYTHING I did was out of sync with the movie, so I set up camp in my head and totally psyched myself out. I can say I didn't totally suck. It needs some work, but it is not the end of the world.

Even more fun, was the show the night before. Getting to see a friend tackle the same role and NAIL IT was so exciting. It isn't often a bunch of new Franks drops in your lap and this October our cast has 3! Bow chick wow wow.

More interesting posts to follow, I swear.

A Husband-less Weekend

Tomorrow, The Husband is flying to Florida for a few days. Usually, I am the one who goes away alone for a conference every year. The tables have turned and I have NO IDEA what to do with myself.

Here is the list of things I may or may not do while husband-less this weekend:

• Make fish cakes.
• Eat ramen and dumplings from Happy Dumplings in Gloucester
• Snuggle the cats.
• Go to The Big Thrifty in Malden (??? unsure on this one).
• Be touristy in Salem and get a psychic reading.
• Watch awful TV on Netflix.
• Write a video pre-show script for Rocky Horror
• Try my very best not to sleep all day err day

The only thing on this list that I know will 100% happen is snuggling the cats. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Fighting Food

I made a list around New Year's, aside from my TBT, of goals for the year. There is a little overlap but I decided instead of resolutions (which I inevitably break within a week) I would list out somethings to work on:

• Make healthier choices in terms of food and exercise.
• Work on my TBT list.
• Actively "date" The Husband.
• Spend more time with friends.
• Experiment more in the kitchen, both in terms of ingredients and recipes.
• Cut myself some slack. (self depreciation doesn't have to be my go to)
• Go back to Disney.
• Start learning a new language.
• Work on Rocky Horror costumes for Eddie and Frank, maybe Janet.

Food has always been my drug of choice and probably always will be. For me, nothing beats a terrible day like tearing into some food. I am not discerning either. While I am no Anthony Bourdain, there is little I will say no to. Stuffing myself to uphoria was the easiest way to cope in a world I felt I had little control over. Now, as an adult, I get to deal with the aftermath.

The Husband and I decided to start eating healthier. It certainly helped that I had been eating less gluten. The cutting out of breads and traditional pasta made the jump to healthier eating seem easier. When we went to  Disney World this winter, The Husband rediscovered mushrooms and green beans...even going as far to admit mushrooms made his meal better. Whoa. For him, that is huge. When we met, he was staunchly anti-veggie. Over our first 4 years together, I intergrated a lot of onion and pepper into our diet. I would also harrass him into trying other veggies that I made. He came around to asparagus on his own and I felt so proud of him. But then mushrooms were added and I was elated.

It was him who suggested we eat vegetarian a few nights a week. I tried to make it 3-4 out of 7 nights. I also cut meat out of my own lunches for a while as well as breakfasts.

We both saw the benefits of this change pretty quickly. He slimmed out in his chest and waist. I honestly don't think I look any thinner but people have said I do so I will go with that. We also felt better. We live on the fourth floor and the stairs became much easier as we ate better. The more gluten I cut out, the less migraines, nausea, and gastro issues I experienced.

Lately, we have fallen off the wagon. There has been a lot of take-out recently. My depression and anxiety have been pretty terrible. I don't want to cook (which is something I love doing) or do dishes or really do anything but sit on the couch and harrass the cats to sit with me. I have not been as careful as I should with gluten and have made myself sick almost daily because of it. But it didn't stop me. My personal well being was forgotten in order for me to feed the demons I have.

Addiction is something people don't like to talk about. When they do, it's usually only in reference to drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. Food should be right up there. It is a way of feeling high while remaining functional. The cravings can be painful. I try to keep snacks at my desk that won't make me feel guilty or shame if I eat them (vegetable root chips, gluten free rolled oats and sugar free syrup in the fridge), to help tame the need to eat while retaining some of my goal to be healthier.

Eggs and steamed rice have become my go to for nights I can't bring myself to answer the door for delivery... Wondering if the delivery person is silently judging me for ordering again in the same week. You'd think this anxiety would motivate me to cook and get back on track. That's a big fat no. It makes me want to have The Husband answer or have us alternate who goes in to pick it up so its not always the same face. My shame and guilt consume me, causing depression to a point where my body hurts. I feel like an awful person and a terrible wife.

The worst part in all of this, is that I am one of those assholes that watches food documentaries, who will shell out more money to buy organic and non-GMO products. I get on my wee soapbox to talk about chemicals we ingest and the state of farming in the country. But once the depression and anxiety hit hard... NONE OF IT MATTERS. I am 15 again: Boys don't like me because I am fat and ugly; I think no one actually likes me in general, they just pretend so they don't hurt my feelings; I am not good enough for anything, EVER; I am not worth saving.

I know these are all things I have to work on. I suppose in reality enough people like me for being me. And at least one boy likes me... He heard Beyonce and knew he had to put a ring on it. The rest? I am not on board with refuting yet. I am hoping sticking to eating well and cutting myself some slack will help.