I fell off the wagon of writing. I got in my head. I got stressed out. I got FURTHER in my head and all my old demons came out to play - the ones that yell I am not good enough (or really just not enough in general) and the quiet ones that whisper constantly that I am worthless/unlovable/terrible. The fall brought the first year of not having my grandmother alive for holidays or her birthday and winter brought back its usual darkness, shrouding me in the grayest depths but (luckily) not tipping into utter blackness.
The last month has brought a work promotion and a decrease in stress. It has brought a renewed hope and a desire to write. Most impressively, it has also brought a new revelation in myself.
I have written before about my struggles with body image, self esteem, and issues of that ilk. A little bit before Valentine's Day, I had a girls night with a few friends. We went into Salem and I warned them that they can't take a witch to Salem without getting dragged into shops. We ended up getting readings at a lovely shop called The Cauldron Black ( https://www.thecauldronblack.com/ ) with Justice the Wizard (who is incredible and also really friggin' attractive. He was amazing and I suggest booking him for a reading - I really want to go to him for a bone throwing reading. This witch approves). There was a trunk show going on and I bought a lovely baculum that the woman I bought it from harvested by hand. I bought it because the interview for this promotion was coming up and I felt like I needed a little #BDE to help me out. Since then, I am feeling better about myself, I am a bit more confident, and I have been receiving some THIRSTY texts from men. It has also empowered me in terms of the craft. #WinWin
Now, before closing this rambling mess that is literally....not good - but mildly informative as to why I just ghosted y'all - up I am sure some of you have questions. Namely about what the heck a baculum is and what this three letter hashtag is about. So, what is a baculum? Good question, friend. It is a mammalian penis bone. I promise you read that correctly. It has evolved out of humans but is still present in many creatures. Mine happens to have once been in a raccoon, who died naturally, and a woman that works with bones harvested. The dick bone sits at my desk on top of a bracelet my dad gave me. Knowing what a baculum is now, my assumption is you are unsure if you want to know what #BDE is. Big Dick Energy. That energy one sends out in the universe because they know what they are packing, physically or within. That energy that says, "Imma get that promotion over you and steal your girl while I am at it."
Will the baculum-fueled BDE, self acceptance and will to write continue? I don't know. And I am going to be smart enough to NOT commit to saying it will. But I am here. And I am ok. And sometimes, that is enough of a first step.
