Letter to Santa (Blogmas #2)

Dear Santa,

Hey, Bruh. Hope you have had some time to relax and warm up before the workshop was back up for the year. I know I seem a bit old to write you but I have some concerns about the way you do business.

You see us when we’re sleeping. You know when we’re awake. - I have watched a LOT of police procedurals and serial killer shows. I see the signs. This behavior is stalking, Mr. Claus, and frankly it is not cool. How do you keep up this surveillance? Do you have a dedicated elf team for this? Are they paid a living wage? Do they get benefits? An employee stock option? Is there a retirement plan, 401K with a company match, or a pension plan for these pointy eared lackeys? How do they surveil? What happens to my footage? Do you sell my information to SPAM email or robo-call companies? Have you looked into selling this technology to the government? How do I get my grubby sausage hands on shares?

You know if we’ve been bad or good. - What is your criteria? Is there a general rubric or is there one based on culture? Or individual child? Do the same people grade my behavior every year? Is it anonymous to the grader? How am I guaranteed an unbiased, fair score? When is the list finalized? Can I be one one list for most of the year and then switch because of one deed? How often is behavior reviewed? Is it a highlight/lowlight reel of the year? What about those that are neither good nor bad? Is there a mediocre list? Do they get gifts?

You kiss our moms and let them tickle you under the mistletoe. If you know when we’re sleeping and when we’re awake, wouldn’t you know we were creepin’ down the stairs and watching this madness? This is NOT the way we want to find out if your parents were swingers or had an open relationship. What’s in my stocking? “Merry Christmas, kiddo, here’s an ancestry kit. Let’s see if you are native North Polian?”

Have you updated your lists to include all genders? It is 2017, Sir. I suggest you get on it.

What are your policies for working animals? What is their housing situation?

Why did you let all the other reindeer be so mean to Rudolph? Y’all saw the light when you were in need though. (see what I did there? PUN CENTRAL)

Do you hold town hall meetings to address these issues? Can you send me the minutes that pertain to my concerns?

While you’re at it, and if there is room on your sleigh, I would like:

*A Corgi

*A new phone, preferably an iPhone

*A 1968 or 1969 Chevy Nova, in olive green. Teal, purple or black are also acceptable.

*Tahitian black pearl stud earrings

*A house with an ocean view but far enough that I don’t have to worry about beach goer’s stealing my parking or tsunamis.

*If all out of ocean view homes, a farm is also a-ok with me. 2 cows, 2 goats, 2 sheep, 1 large orange barn cat, and mad veggies growing, please.

*Some Cinderella and Snow White vibes. I want the forest critters to be my friends. And help me clean. And do my hair.

*A food truck. Either one for desserts (no name chosen) or Hawaiian food (Everyone Gets Lei’d)

*All the tattoos I want but without the money or pain

*The ability to sing without making the ears of those around me bleed

*To be independently wealthy

*World peace

Sincerely,

MPA

WTF is Blogmas? (Blogmas #1)

And out of the chimney - burnt AF and covered in soot as well as other gross things you find in a chimney (...old feathers? Cobwebs? I have never been inside one so I have nothing to go on but I don’t suggest google image searching it. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES) - the blogger emerges, rambling incoherently about blogmas while others look on in horror.

“OMG. What happened to them?”

“How long have they been in there?”

“Can cobwebs really be used to style hair?"

“And WTF is blogmas anyway?”

*dusts self off*

Hi.

What’s up, readers?

Long time no communicado, huh?

Am I burnt? Not literally. Burnt out. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Riding in the front of the struggle bus - sure.

Since our last meeting I am: on a slew of meds. Had said slew changed. Withdrew from some I shouldn’t have and man did that suck. Got back on them. Added more. Tweaked dosages. I spend most days dizzy, nauseated, feeling like an emotionless robot, feeling like I have too many emotions, with the bubbleguts, or some combination of all of this. Usually the combination IS all of this. It isn’t fun. By the end of the work day, I have all I can do to curl up on the couch and watch cartoons - cartoons because I can’t really handle anything deeper. Which is rough for someone who binge watches shows about serial killers on the reg (side note - if you got the Netflix: Mind Hunter was a pretty dope show and it was shot really beautifully).  I quit smoking. I started smoking. I fight with myself about smoking. I found out the hard way that the small percent of folks that have the really bad side effects of medication are not just the poor mice they tested them on and also that testing on mice is pretty useless in general even if it is the scientific norm. It has been a wild ride. Most days, just existing feels like unconvincing performance art.

In all of this, I have tried to reassert dominance in the battle for who I am and not letting feeling/being unwell daily define me. I started dabbling in the witchcraft again (and I use dabble only because it isn’t anything else at this point - I am honestly overwhelmed by it but I am overwhelmed by everything). I fleeked myself out by getting claws and re-dying my hair. I try to do things that feel like Me but most days I am unsure I know who Me is.

2017-2018 has been….

Y’all it has been a thing.

I joke around and say things like “my life is as much of a dumpster fire as this year has been in politics” but… I don’t think it is too far off. (Yes. I did say that to a nurse doing my intake at the doctor’s before bursting into tears and weeping about my life [please see note about withdrawals being real]) I have been to some deep, dark places. I have had some stellar moments as well. I am trying to climb my way out but it isn’t easy and it sure as hell isn’t quick.

But this, and by this i mean blogging, brought me some kind of happiness. I get like….maybe 60 readers a post. It is not like I am queen of the blogger community or anything. It was just my thoughts in an open forum for a hand full of people. An open line to my brain which is often a weird place. I think somewhere in this mess, I missed that. So I crawled out to face the internet again and decided Blogmas was a nice way to force my hand.

But like….WTF is Blogmas?

Blogmas is a challenge of sorts in December where someone posts daily (for 12 or 24 or 25 days depending on what you are looking at) and those posts are typically holiday themed. In my old age, I have taken on some of my mother’s traits - the most present being bitten with the holiday spirit. I mean, if it is a holiday and it is between October 1 and December 31st I AM ON IT. Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving. Halloween is year round. This year, I gotta confess, I don’t feel it. I haven’t felt any of it. I don’t feel like putting up a tree. Or listening to my Indie Christmas channel.

So maybe the next 24 days will get me into the habit of writing more or at least the spirit of Christmas...or both. #YOLO

**as for cobwebs being used to style hair...I could see it.**