Lately I have been struggling with the idea of what I am "meant" to do. Do we have a purpose? How is one supposed to know they are fulfilling this purpose? How does one acheive this atonement with the universe? And most importantly, why can't I figure out my place in said universe?
For those who know me, I have had a tragic yet ecelectic college "career." I applied as pre-law but wasn't accepted to that program... So naturally I went as far in the opposite direction I could, to the place that felt the most like home in high school. I enrolled as a Fine and Performing Arts major with my concentration being theatre. After being in school for one semester (one which has yeilded the best stories of utter co-ed HORROR) I left because I coudn't afford it. Take note of this last line. It's a common theme.
After a little time off, I went to Salem State then College/now University. Enrolled as a Crimanl Justice major with a concentration in forensics. After my orientation, and an introduction from the worst department chair on the face of the Earth, I switched to Spanish. Espanol! Me gusto espanol mucho! The goal was to be a high school Spanish teacher. And then I left because I couldnt afford it.
I went back to Salem State as an English major with my concentration being Secondary Education. However, during this time I fell in love with geology. Naturally, I decided to double major. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahaha. Working full time plus multiple majors plus labs that felt they were extended lectures so you have to do lab work on your own time plus sick and or dying family members equals the start of a spiral so far down you can't see the end. I dropped my geology major and lasted another semester before I failed out.
My last semester I found two things that brought me great joy: a class editing the college's literary magazine and a seminar on Willa Cather that looked at her works from the point of view of space/gender/sexuality. Both made me want to do something related to each as a career. Maybe both! Edit a gender/gay focused literary magazine? I don't know. It sounded like a good plan then.
Since then I have worked customer service jobs that at times feel like they drain the very essence of my soul out and replace it with an ulcer's ichor.
Knowing I have been searching for meaning, The Husband has encouraged me to take classes or go back to school. However, my schedule at work is not felixble enough to do this. And, (wait for it....) we can't afford that. I applied to a local community college a few years ago for their culinary program, but realized too late we weren't going to afford it. Bummer, but I moved on.
Since then, I've thought about going to school for baking. Or going for cosmetology. Or finishing my english degree and teaching. Or going for a degree in Women's Studies. Everytime I think I have made a decision, fear of failure and disappointing people creeps in and paralyzes me.
When faced with continual self doubt, how can one confidently make a decision like this? Which one is the right choice? How do I know?
I talked to The Husband about this feeling. How I don't feel like I have a purpose or meaning. He suggested going to church. I was raised Catholic but don't agree with a lot of their teachings (although, the new Pope is pretty dope). We have a UU church down the street, which is an option. But as someone who believes more in the occult than traditional religion, how do I go to church and asked a God I am not convinced is there for help or guidence? How do I walk into their house and not feel... disingenuous?
Worse: what happens if I go and there is nothing? No sign. No help. No guidence. Doesn't that make me more of a failure? Should I skip the church and divine with a pendulum to see what is the best fit? Is that cheating myself of some miraculous self-discovery I have been lacking all these years?
What I do know is as the days pass I begin feeling more trapped. Caged. Captive. Alone in my head tossing around all these questions and scaring myself into silence, trapping parts of myself that want to be set free.
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