WTF is Blogmas? (Blogmas #1)

And out of the chimney - burnt AF and covered in soot as well as other gross things you find in a chimney (...old feathers? Cobwebs? I have never been inside one so I have nothing to go on but I don’t suggest google image searching it. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES) - the blogger emerges, rambling incoherently about blogmas while others look on in horror.

“OMG. What happened to them?”

“How long have they been in there?”

“Can cobwebs really be used to style hair?"

“And WTF is blogmas anyway?”

*dusts self off*

Hi.

What’s up, readers?

Long time no communicado, huh?

Am I burnt? Not literally. Burnt out. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Riding in the front of the struggle bus - sure.

Since our last meeting I am: on a slew of meds. Had said slew changed. Withdrew from some I shouldn’t have and man did that suck. Got back on them. Added more. Tweaked dosages. I spend most days dizzy, nauseated, feeling like an emotionless robot, feeling like I have too many emotions, with the bubbleguts, or some combination of all of this. Usually the combination IS all of this. It isn’t fun. By the end of the work day, I have all I can do to curl up on the couch and watch cartoons - cartoons because I can’t really handle anything deeper. Which is rough for someone who binge watches shows about serial killers on the reg (side note - if you got the Netflix: Mind Hunter was a pretty dope show and it was shot really beautifully).  I quit smoking. I started smoking. I fight with myself about smoking. I found out the hard way that the small percent of folks that have the really bad side effects of medication are not just the poor mice they tested them on and also that testing on mice is pretty useless in general even if it is the scientific norm. It has been a wild ride. Most days, just existing feels like unconvincing performance art.

In all of this, I have tried to reassert dominance in the battle for who I am and not letting feeling/being unwell daily define me. I started dabbling in the witchcraft again (and I use dabble only because it isn’t anything else at this point - I am honestly overwhelmed by it but I am overwhelmed by everything). I fleeked myself out by getting claws and re-dying my hair. I try to do things that feel like Me but most days I am unsure I know who Me is.

2017-2018 has been….

Y’all it has been a thing.

I joke around and say things like “my life is as much of a dumpster fire as this year has been in politics” but… I don’t think it is too far off. (Yes. I did say that to a nurse doing my intake at the doctor’s before bursting into tears and weeping about my life [please see note about withdrawals being real]) I have been to some deep, dark places. I have had some stellar moments as well. I am trying to climb my way out but it isn’t easy and it sure as hell isn’t quick.

But this, and by this i mean blogging, brought me some kind of happiness. I get like….maybe 60 readers a post. It is not like I am queen of the blogger community or anything. It was just my thoughts in an open forum for a hand full of people. An open line to my brain which is often a weird place. I think somewhere in this mess, I missed that. So I crawled out to face the internet again and decided Blogmas was a nice way to force my hand.

But like….WTF is Blogmas?

Blogmas is a challenge of sorts in December where someone posts daily (for 12 or 24 or 25 days depending on what you are looking at) and those posts are typically holiday themed. In my old age, I have taken on some of my mother’s traits - the most present being bitten with the holiday spirit. I mean, if it is a holiday and it is between October 1 and December 31st I AM ON IT. Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving. Halloween is year round. This year, I gotta confess, I don’t feel it. I haven’t felt any of it. I don’t feel like putting up a tree. Or listening to my Indie Christmas channel.

So maybe the next 24 days will get me into the habit of writing more or at least the spirit of Christmas...or both. #YOLO

**as for cobwebs being used to style hair...I could see it.**