Hair Crisis 2K18

Well, it has been a hell of a week guys.

It started with a hair crisis which I am still in the throws of. By Thursday, I was out of my mind and I had The Husband cut my ponytail off with shitty scissors. I am still trying to decide if I like it (seeing as it is THE SAME HAIRCUT just shorter) or if I want to buzz off the rest. What is italicized below is the original post I started for last Tuesday before deep diving into self-loathing.

I have to tell you, I was revved up to write a post about cosplay and how sad it is that in 2018 at a convention run by an international expo corporation we still need to have ENORMOUS signs explaining that cosplay is not consent and what that means. IN 2018. Something about how unfortunately real Jessica Rabbit's line "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way" is in the word of cosplay.

But that is not the post you are getting today.

Nope.

Something else managed to get to me more.

I will tackle the pissbaby fan boys and girls soon, my dears - don't you fret. But until then...

I am going into hair crisis.

I am sick of my hair. I don't know what to do with it and have had the same style for like...3 or 4 years. And while it is a dope cut, i am just...bored.

Given the length (shaved on both sides and the back with just like 1/3 of the top long - perfect for a manbun) I don’t have a lot of options.

Do I shave it all? Just GI Jane that shit at home?

Do I go for a pixie? I am useless when it comes to styling my hair so it can't be too involved.

Do I keep it pink?

Instead of being consumed by my brain going in a million directions and just letting depression seep in until I cry about how much I hate everything about me (sounds fun, right?) I took to the internet to google image search my options.

Because when isn't google helpful?

I looked at faces and faces of conventionally attractive men and women - perfect skin, perfect hair, faces small and angular...

Or, ya know, 100% not me.

Clearly, I just said Fuck It and cut off my pony as indicated at the beginning. But after a week of slipping into a depression funk (like for real - I cried in bed last night because I don’t think I am cute enough to go on a girls weekend with a friend. This brain is a rollercoaster.) I am annoyed at myself. Not because of the depressed state that I am in but because of the catalyst.

Hair.

Or rather, how much worth and self worth humans tie to it. As I sit here still debating if I should just embrace the clippers and go full on buzz I have to ask myself why. Why shave it all off? I keep saying that if I want to grow it out shaving if is smartest so it will grow out evenly but the reality is that I will let it grow for a bit only to get the itch to do something to it (cut, shave, dye, whatever) again. It isn’t uncommon for women in some kind of crisis to change their hair as a means of exerting control over some aspect of their life. The likelihood of growing it out past a long bob ever again seems like insanity to me. So much time and effort and product… I can’t get up on time to gel the gentleman’s regular I have now. So, self, what am I really skirting?

Long hair equals beauty.

It is all over the media we consume. Short hair is coded as tomboyish at best but more often as angry, man hating lesbian/villainous (Yo! Take a peek at Ursula. And, yes, I understand that there are “edgy” female with short hair but that is another topic). Princesses give way to teen dramas which in turn give way to rom-coms, almost all with perfectly perfect female characters - dainty, pretty, and slender with long flowing hair. It is seen as the “norm” so much that people are happy to tell you that you “men don’t like women with short hair” or “you would look prettier with long hair”, not to mention the SCORES of people that want to tell fat women they should never cut their hair short because they are fat and need to hide behind the long layers. I had one boyfriend tell me I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair because he preferred long hair and because I was too fat so it was necessary to make me look better. (I would love to send you my therapy bills someday, bruh.)

I am disappointed that after all this time, all these years of being #woke to the patriarchy, I am still fighting internalized sexism as if it was written in my dna. When I think of myself my go to characteristics are negative but vanity isn’t one of them - so why am I so hung up on the idea of how hair equates beauty?

Until I figure it out, or at least figure out what to do with my hair, I remain stuck here.

RIP Floppy Vengeance