Even the mightiest of home cooks/bakers fail. And that is what I did. Not only do I not have the Pinterest Diaries entry on Pink Ombre frosting... I didn't even bring a home baked cake to the Christening. Ready for the deets of this shit show?
Good. It's pretty sad/hilarious.
The terror starts at Whole Foods. I leave my phone in the car, prompting The Husband to come into the store. Our rule is that if I go in alone, he texts me his parking location. Pretty reasonable if you ask me.
If a store is packed, my anxiety goes crazy. My fight or flight instincts cross and they create a level of crazy unseen by many. Naturally, very person who shops at WF was there. I make my way to the cake mixes. I have tried 2 mixes and have only liked 1 (Pamela's). A beautiful sight is before me: a row of Pamela's mixes. I scan them. I scan them again. How about one more time? I push them around to look behind them. There is no white/vanilla cake mix. This is when I start sweating. I look at the other mixes. They only yield 1 cake round and I need two. I am most certainly not paying $5.99 (which is typical of GF mix) each for 2 packs. He asks why I don't just make a regular cake. BECAUSE IF I AM MAKING IT, I DAMN WELL BETTER GET TO EAT SOME OF IT.
This is when I start losing it. The Husband urges me to just pick one. My reaction is akin to "YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW!" He picks the only other brand that yields 2 rounds: Namaste. I continue freaking out, all the way to the dairy section because not all GF mixes are created equally. Once I can breathe and think, I explain my issue. One can buy all the regular cakes mixes a store has to offer and they will be relatively the same once baked. Relatively. This does not exist in the world of GF products. If it has garbanzo bean flour, it can taste weirdly of fish. Different flours and ratios of flours to gums makes each mix unique. Each box/pack is either wonderful or a ticking time bomb of AWFUL. We get it with the provision that he will run to another store if it doesn't come out well.
We get home and I have tucked a prior to WF purchased maple bacon frosted donut in my purse. I decide to lie down and cry because panic does that to you. The Husband stays with me. I notice the bed is devoid of cats but figure they are laying in the last sun beams of the day. After about an hour, we get up. The large cat has eaten the donut. The donut I was about to eat, wheat be damned, to cheer me up. The Husband even sniffed the cat's breath. It was maple and bacon scented. I am done with everything at this point. A pizza will be ordered and I will bake later.
I should have known when I tried the batter that this was a no-go situation. It was gritty like corn bread, which is weird because the mix is corn-free. It doesn't taste sweet or particularly vanilla like. And there is a flavor I can't identify but will qualify as vaguely hippie. I bake it and hope for the best.
At the low end of the bake times listed, it is ready. I take it out and let it cool. The Husband and I taste it... and it tastes kind of like nothing. Like cakey corn bread with much less flavor. We decide this will not work for the event and begin forming a back-up plan. My back-up plan is Coffee Time Bakery in Salem. They are open crazy hours everyday and everything they make is delicious. Not GF but delicious. One strawberry shortcake picked up on the way to church later, everyone loves the cake and things are better but no ombre frosting tutorial. Which is probably better because I forgot to get the food coloring I needed anyway...
TL;DR? GF cake mixes aren't created equally. Have a back-up plan.
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