Even the Mighty Baker Falls

Even the mightiest of home cooks/bakers fail. And that is what I did. Not only do I not have the Pinterest Diaries entry on Pink Ombre frosting... I didn't even bring a home baked cake to the Christening. Ready for the deets of this shit show?
 
Good. It's pretty sad/hilarious.
 
The terror starts at Whole Foods. I leave my phone in the car, prompting The Husband to come into the store. Our rule is that if I go in alone, he texts me his parking location. Pretty reasonable if you ask me.
 
If a store is packed, my anxiety goes crazy. My fight or flight instincts cross and they create a level of crazy unseen by many. Naturally, very person who shops at WF was there. I make my way to the cake mixes. I have tried 2 mixes and have only liked 1 (Pamela's). A beautiful sight is before me: a row of Pamela's mixes. I scan them. I scan them again. How about one more time? I push them around to look behind them. There is no white/vanilla cake mix. This is when I start sweating. I look at the other mixes. They only yield 1 cake round and I need two. I am most certainly not paying $5.99 (which is typical of GF mix) each for 2 packs. He asks why I don't just make a regular cake. BECAUSE IF I AM MAKING IT, I DAMN WELL BETTER GET TO EAT SOME OF IT.

This is when I start losing it. The Husband urges me to just pick one. My reaction is akin to "YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW!" He picks the only other brand that yields 2 rounds: Namaste. I continue freaking out, all the way to the dairy section because not all GF mixes are created equally. Once I can breathe and think, I explain my issue. One can buy all the regular cakes mixes a store has to offer and they will be relatively the same once baked. Relatively. This does not exist in the world of GF products. If it has garbanzo bean flour, it can taste weirdly of fish. Different flours and ratios of flours to gums makes each mix unique. Each box/pack is either wonderful or a ticking time bomb of AWFUL. We get it with the provision that he will run to another store if it doesn't come out well.
 
We get home and I have tucked a prior to WF purchased maple bacon frosted donut in my purse. I decide to lie down and cry because panic does that to you. The Husband stays with me. I notice the bed is devoid of cats but figure they are laying in the last sun beams of the day. After about an hour, we get up. The large cat has eaten the donut. The donut I was about to eat, wheat be damned, to cheer me up. The Husband even sniffed the cat's breath. It was maple and bacon scented. I am done with everything at this point. A pizza will be ordered and I will bake later.
 
I should have known when I tried the batter that this was a no-go situation. It was gritty like corn bread, which is weird because the mix is corn-free. It doesn't taste sweet or particularly vanilla like. And there is a flavor I can't identify but will qualify as vaguely hippie. I bake it and hope for the best.
 
At the low end of the bake times listed, it is ready. I take it out and let it cool. The Husband and I taste it... and it tastes kind of like nothing. Like cakey corn bread with much less flavor. We decide this will not work for the event and begin forming a back-up plan. My back-up plan is Coffee Time Bakery in Salem. They are open crazy hours everyday and everything they make is delicious. Not GF but delicious. One strawberry shortcake picked up on the way to church later, everyone loves the cake and things are better but no ombre frosting tutorial. Which is probably better because I forgot to get the food coloring I needed anyway...
 


TL;DR? GF cake mixes aren't created equally. Have a back-up plan.
 

Tutorial: Buffalo Cauliflower

In an effort to try new recipes (ala TBT #9) and to eat vegetarian half of the week, The Husband suggested trying buffalo cauliflower "wings" MONTHS ago. This has made the weekly menu a few times but always gets knocked out for other tasty treats. This week, we bought a beautiful head of cauliflower from Whole Foods and stuck to the plan (go Team Awesome!).

I watched a bitchin' tutorial from The Rad Fat Vegan on youtube and read a few recipes to get a general idea of how to make it, then struck out on my own. We had a tight budget this week so I opted to use regular flour instead of buying tummy-friendly flour (read as: GF flours/rice flour/etc), but stuck mainly to the ingredient lists I saw-which were surprisingly almost all the same.

I could have baked them longer as I longed for more crunch. The Husband did not like it. At all. Good on him for trying, though. Veggies are still an exciting new frontier for him.

Here's what you need:
Software:

• 1 head of cauliflower
• 1/2 cup of flour
• 1/2 cup of water
• 2 tbs buttah
• Your choice of buffalo sauce or hot sauce
• The Holy Trinity (salt, pepper, garlic powder)
• Cooking spray and/or parchment paper
• Bleu Cheese or Ranch dressing for dip-dips

Hardware:

• Baking sheet
• Measuring cups
• Whisk
• Large bowl or 2
• Wee bowl (microwaveable)
• Thongs
• Cutting board
• Kitchen knife

Now let's make some veggie "wings"!

1. Preheat your oven to 450 (Crank the AC if you have one in the kitchen-450 is sweat inducing- you lucky, lucky bitch).
2. Cut that beautiful head of cruciferous goodness (that's the cauliflower)! Cut out the green leafy bottom. Then cut into bite-sized florets.
   
3. In a bowl add flour and The Holy Trinity to taste. mix together with whisk and start adding water slowly. The batter you end with should be pancake batter thick or a little thinner. If you don't like the consistency, add more water or flour until you are happy with it.
   
4. Ready your baking sheet for a trip to tasty town. If using parchment paper, you don't NEED cooking spray but feel free to use it if you like. Otherwise, spray yo' sheet.
5. Now dip that shit! Cover the whole floret in batter and shake off the excess. Place on sheet. Repeat until all the cauliflower is coated, then toss in the oven.
   
6. Bake approx 10 minutes. Batter should be kind of firm but not browned.
7. While its baking, make some sauce. Melt the butter in the microwave-or if you are in a teeny tiny apartment and don't have a microwave, make a double boiler and melt some butter. Pour in Buffalo sauce (I dig Frank's or Archer Farms-the Target brand) and add some garlic powder. mix together. I think I used about half of the bottle.
   
8. Take the veg out and toss it in the sauce, coating each piece with firey deliciousness. Return to baking sheet and pop back in the oven.
9. Bake another 15 minutes or until the batter has firmed back up. Bake longer for a crunchy coating.
   
10. Plate and serve with a side of dip-dips. I prefer Marie's bleu cheese dressing.
11. Die of happiness before the cruciferous-ness works its questionable magic (wink, wink).

Happy snacking!
-MPA

Chocolate Peanutbutter Cake

Peanut butter and I are not friends. We never have been. Until recently the thought of it repulsed me... Except in Reese's candy. Then I made a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting. Peanut butter and I now have an understanding: we are cool if it is in candy, on cake, or *occaisonally* on celery.

The thought came up when a co-worker's last day was approaching and I was tasked with baking a cake for the occasion. I put flavor profiles up for a vote and this is what won.

I cheated. I was ashamed at first, but that cake was thebomb.com! There is a time and place for using boxed mixes and pre-made frosting. The key is to flavor them and jazz them up so the world will never know. Boxed cake mix can be tricky because of the oil you have to add. Personally, I feel like you can taste it and if I am trying to fool people into thinking I made it from scratch a weird oily taste will not do.

The trick? Seltzer or soda. 1 can or 1 and 1/2 cups per box. No eggs. No oil. Just some fizz. If using soda, diet or regular work but diet can leave a fake sugar aftertaste. Keep in mind that the soda color will come through as well (ie: orange soda + vanilla cake mix = orange colored vanilla cake). I usually use plain seltzer but have found that raspberry-lime seltzer does leave some flavor in a vanilla cake mix. If using soda, try to pick complimentary flavors: chocolate and cherry cola, lemon or vanilla cake with lemon-lime soda, spice cake with root beer. Check the tutorial out by clicking read more.

Happy bakin/eating!
-MPA