Here's to 2016

I took a lot of time off of writing here and I apologize for that. It was not for lack of desire but more for lack of feeling.

When the winter hits and the holidays start, stress bogs me down causing my depression and anxiety to kick into high gear. If you are plagued with either (or both) you understand how crippling it can be. If you are not familiar with them/how they work in tandem the best way to explain it is this:

I hope you all made it through the holiday season happy and healthy and ready to tackle 2016. Tackling 2016 is what I am here to talk about today.

2015 was a year that brought me closer to friends, got me productively talking about books in a book club (which brought me back to some high school friends), I got to go back to Disney - if only for a day, I wrote more here, and tried pitching some articles for online magazines. I was not good at staying gluten free or being good to myself in general. I didn’t make any real resolutions (I find them too easy to discard) and did not for this year either. What I do have, is a letter to 2016 - a manifestation of what I want to do and who I want to be in the new year.

To The Fates, or really any deity of time and fate and destiny:

Thank you for another year, another chance to wander this Earth and learn from my surroundings. While that is gift enough, I would like to impose on your generosity a bit more as we head into this new year. I want to see myself grow both in my writing and in my confidence, to take care of myself better as well as those around me, and to channel anger/disappointment/frustration/stress in ways that make me feel less like a walking personification of The Morrigan. I strive to become as fearless as those around me believe I am. May I focus on things that make me truly happy like baking, cooking, candy-making, and seeing friends instead of tunneling in on the negative. I would like to learn how to relax more, even if that just means more baths (with or without bath bombs - which are amazing, btw.) and wine and laughing. Should I find the confidence to do so, I hope this year will bring me the opportunity to start the YouTube channel for this blog as well as the opportunity to pitch more articles (and hopefully have something accepted!). I ask for your intervention when I need to remember to breathe, to slow down, to stop and enjoy what is right in front of me instead of missing the small things. Most of all, I hope this year will help me continue to be amazed and humbled by the support of those around me, that The Husband continues to have the patience of a saint when dealing with me, and that I continue to learn how to love fearlessly. And another trip to Disney wouldn’t hurt either.

-MPA  

My biggest hope outside of myself is that Trump isn't elected. Well, that and that feminism stops being treated like a dirty word - that people start to understand what it means for women as well as men.

What are your goals for 2016? Comment below to share your letter to 2016 and inspire others as we forge our paths in the new year.

The Revised TBT

For the last few weeks, my thoughts have consumed me. I have been a tsunami of emotions from happy to terribly depressed. Unfortunately, this is how I roll. Even more unfortunately, it is what I am like when I turn my thoughts in on myself. To reflect on one's actions and decisions is overwhelming when your foundation of self-love ranges from very small to non-existent. It was something I needed to do, to help me make a new Thirty Before Thirty list. With approximately 13 months to go, I fear that I will fail on the majority to items on the list. Not because I don't want to do them, but because I fear failure as much as I fear death (spiders, snakes, and other assorted insects tie for the things I fear second most of all).

Here is the revised list. Here is to hoping that by sticking to it and completing it, I learn to fear failing less and embrace putting myself out there more.

TBT-Revised

1. Start a garden including veggies, fruit, and flowers.

2. Make my own cleaning products (home and body).

3. Be better about cleaning and laundry.

4. Spend more time baking and making candy.

5. Get caught up and on track financially.

6. Make ice cream.

7. Make pasta by hand.

8. Journal. Started!

9. Cook 2 new recipes a month, one of which should be non-American.

10. Learn to sew better/actually make things.

11. Read 75 books. No genre limitations.

12. Go to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.

13. Take dance lessons.

14. Join a gym and actually go.

15. Get a tattoo.

16. Learn to play the Ukulele.

17.Take more pictures.

18. Stick to a personal style instead of buying things because they fit.

19. Get a drastic new hair cut. Done, and redone.

20. Eat more locally grown/raised food.

21. Cut out gluten and stick to it. This means baking gluten free too.

22. Go on dates with my husband, at least monthly.

23. Start writing again-Blogging and journaling do not count.

24. Go back to Disney World.

25. Redecorate and refurnish the apartment.

26. Catalog my recipes.

27. Go to Cape Cod.

28. Splurge on a pair of boots.

29. Be touristy around New England.

30. Actually celebrate my 30th birthday. 

Sometimes I Drop the Ball

I posted a Thirty Before Thirty.

I have accomplished one thing-the drastic hair do. Started journaling, stopped. Started reading, keep getting side tracked.

In this time, I have inspired others to make their own lists. Win?

We are rapidly approaching my 29th birthday and I feel like my own goals are causing me to be hyper-worried about the big three-oh.

After much thought (and, admittedly, a few tears), I think I need to reassess my TBT goals. I don't think I am in the same place as I was when I made the original list, nor do I think all of the same things are important to me.

I have been spending a lot of my time wondering what I should do with my life (in terms of school and work, things of that nature). Some of it is beneficial and some not so much. It also doesn't help that I feel like absolute garbage. I haven't been watching what I eat and have been eating way too much gluten. I am starting to feel sluggish and exhausted constantly in addition to all of the fun that accompanies eating wheat-y things.

So, here is to reassessing as we change. To picking up our pieces when we fall apart and to trying to reconcile that to be human is to make some mistakes.

Fighting Food

I made a list around New Year's, aside from my TBT, of goals for the year. There is a little overlap but I decided instead of resolutions (which I inevitably break within a week) I would list out somethings to work on:

• Make healthier choices in terms of food and exercise.
• Work on my TBT list.
• Actively "date" The Husband.
• Spend more time with friends.
• Experiment more in the kitchen, both in terms of ingredients and recipes.
• Cut myself some slack. (self depreciation doesn't have to be my go to)
• Go back to Disney.
• Start learning a new language.
• Work on Rocky Horror costumes for Eddie and Frank, maybe Janet.

Food has always been my drug of choice and probably always will be. For me, nothing beats a terrible day like tearing into some food. I am not discerning either. While I am no Anthony Bourdain, there is little I will say no to. Stuffing myself to uphoria was the easiest way to cope in a world I felt I had little control over. Now, as an adult, I get to deal with the aftermath.

The Husband and I decided to start eating healthier. It certainly helped that I had been eating less gluten. The cutting out of breads and traditional pasta made the jump to healthier eating seem easier. When we went to  Disney World this winter, The Husband rediscovered mushrooms and green beans...even going as far to admit mushrooms made his meal better. Whoa. For him, that is huge. When we met, he was staunchly anti-veggie. Over our first 4 years together, I intergrated a lot of onion and pepper into our diet. I would also harrass him into trying other veggies that I made. He came around to asparagus on his own and I felt so proud of him. But then mushrooms were added and I was elated.

It was him who suggested we eat vegetarian a few nights a week. I tried to make it 3-4 out of 7 nights. I also cut meat out of my own lunches for a while as well as breakfasts.

We both saw the benefits of this change pretty quickly. He slimmed out in his chest and waist. I honestly don't think I look any thinner but people have said I do so I will go with that. We also felt better. We live on the fourth floor and the stairs became much easier as we ate better. The more gluten I cut out, the less migraines, nausea, and gastro issues I experienced.

Lately, we have fallen off the wagon. There has been a lot of take-out recently. My depression and anxiety have been pretty terrible. I don't want to cook (which is something I love doing) or do dishes or really do anything but sit on the couch and harrass the cats to sit with me. I have not been as careful as I should with gluten and have made myself sick almost daily because of it. But it didn't stop me. My personal well being was forgotten in order for me to feed the demons I have.

Addiction is something people don't like to talk about. When they do, it's usually only in reference to drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. Food should be right up there. It is a way of feeling high while remaining functional. The cravings can be painful. I try to keep snacks at my desk that won't make me feel guilty or shame if I eat them (vegetable root chips, gluten free rolled oats and sugar free syrup in the fridge), to help tame the need to eat while retaining some of my goal to be healthier.

Eggs and steamed rice have become my go to for nights I can't bring myself to answer the door for delivery... Wondering if the delivery person is silently judging me for ordering again in the same week. You'd think this anxiety would motivate me to cook and get back on track. That's a big fat no. It makes me want to have The Husband answer or have us alternate who goes in to pick it up so its not always the same face. My shame and guilt consume me, causing depression to a point where my body hurts. I feel like an awful person and a terrible wife.

The worst part in all of this, is that I am one of those assholes that watches food documentaries, who will shell out more money to buy organic and non-GMO products. I get on my wee soapbox to talk about chemicals we ingest and the state of farming in the country. But once the depression and anxiety hit hard... NONE OF IT MATTERS. I am 15 again: Boys don't like me because I am fat and ugly; I think no one actually likes me in general, they just pretend so they don't hurt my feelings; I am not good enough for anything, EVER; I am not worth saving.

I know these are all things I have to work on. I suppose in reality enough people like me for being me. And at least one boy likes me... He heard Beyonce and knew he had to put a ring on it. The rest? I am not on board with refuting yet. I am hoping sticking to eating well and cutting myself some slack will help.