Tess Holliday, Fat Backlash, and Why I am Afraid

For those of you who do not know: Tess Holliday is a beautiful, majestic creature that we mere mortals are not worthy of.



 
For those of you who still do not know: Tess Holliday is a size 22 model who recently was on the cover of people magazine. THE COVER. She has also done Vogue Italia. And did a look book for Torrid. This is a big (ba dum tssss) (see what I did there?) deal.

               

    People on the left, Vogue Italia on the right. MAJECTIC CREATURE AMIRITE?!?!?!

This lady has brought plus-size to the plus-size modeling game. Traditionally, plus-size models were in the size 10-12 range. In my brain, anything over a 16 is plus-size as that is where you typically stop finding availability in stores. A lot of plus-sized retailers are pushing their size brackets further down - Torrid now starting at 12 and Lane Bryant at 14 for example. While I would love to argue what actually *is* plus, that is not for today.

With Tess' media visibility, we have a new plus-size icon. One that models plus-size cloths on a plus-size body. I truly mean no offense to the models in the 10-12 range that model the smaller end of plus-size clothes. Keep on, keepin' on. Y'all are beautiful.  It is just nice to see what an item would look like on a body similar to mine. It's humbling, inspiring, refreshing, and a little bit revolutionary. Something that had myself and many of my fat peers had access to growing up could have helped with body dysmorphia, self esteem, and a lot of other issues in a major way.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where making fun of or criticizing fat people (and yes, it is ok to say fat. I promise.) is still considered funny, valid, and completely acceptable. It is one of the last bastions assholes can hold on to and not get called out for when expressing their opinions. A sub-cockle of the internet where perceived anonymity and distance fuels self-righteous indignation that someone dare to be different than their perceived norm.

I understand fat people are not the only ones attacked online or in real life for their appearance. What I am saying is that it is still considered acceptable to do it. THAT is the problem.

Having someone like Tess, who is fearlessly and unapologetically herself, is something we (please understand this we as the fat folks of the universe) desperately need. People need to see those that mirror themselves in a positive light from an early age. We need role models of all shapes, sizes, races, religions, sexualities, genders - You name it, we (this time, I mean all of us, not just my fat folks) need it. But more than anything, we need role models that look like us. Strong people, trail blazing for those to follow.

Recently, the crop top has been a heated debate. Fearless fat babe and feminist Virgie Tovar wrote a Buzzfeed article about fat people in crop tops. Regardless of size, we shouldn't police women's bodies. Clothing is an expression of self and should not be mocked or ridiculed. Tess posted a totally adorable photo set of her in a crop top. The backlash on both Virgie's article and Tess' photo as well as anything that is close to fat-positive is met with so much vitriol it is nauseating to read. And I always read the comments. Because I am a glutton for punishment and terrific at making myself feel bad. Here is a tame example of the shit slinging people do:

Tess in all her adorable glory.

                      



Sadly, this truly is tame when it comes to the backlash fat people get for posting pictures on the internet. Especially if they look like they are enjoying themselves or consuming food/beverage. Even if as a fat person you live a healthy lifestyle, eat well/balanced, exercise, and/or have a great bill of health from your doctor people assume the worst and lecture you for your choices. And health is always the reason they do it. Looking out for your health, because you are promoting an unhealthy lifestyle, possible health issues in the future, etc. No one looks at the socio-economic ties. Or that some medications and conditions make you gain weight rapidly and make it almost impossible to lose said weight (look! a health reason that is legit!). While they may only be words, when younger people read these comments the linger effect can be devastating. Shit, it can be devastating to anyone...myself included.

Reading the comments, for me, is always a terrible idea. The negativity is consuming and crushing. Growing up fat without role models in the media was tough. I didn't feel right or normal or that I had worth. As an adult I still grapple with that daily. I may understand they are only words and opinions of people I will most likely never meet, the knowledge that this is how people could potentially feel about me breaks my spirit. I used to like the beach. I spent almost every day of the summer there or quite a few years. Now? Twice a year tops: the Fourth of July and our nephews' family birthday party. Why? Because I am fat. People don't want to see fat people at the beach.

To fear being in public at a place that was once a source of joy is the worst kind of mindfuck you can ask for. When a place of atonement (and one that made me feel connected to my family and roots) becomes a place of fear and anxiety, you lose a sacred thing. You lose a part of yourself and with that a great deal of dignity. For me, it doesn't end at the beach. It has carried over into most aspects of my life. The idea of being considered repulsive does not motivate me to lose weight. It makes me retreat into the darkest corners of my mind where I point everything wrong with me and let the weight (I did it again! ba dum tsss) of other people's opinions crush me.

If you have followed this blog, you may say "hold up, MPA. Aren't you in Rocky Horror? Don't you run around in very little in front of an audience?" Yes, I do. I play two of the less dressed roles (Janet and Dr. Frank-N-Furter) as well as one of the most covered (Magenta). I freak out about it before every show, right up until I am on stage. And then sometimes for the whole show. But I do it. As weird as Rocky Horror is, the community is often welcoming and hold the core belief of "Don't Dream it, Be it." I am still paralyzed with fright that I am too fat or ugly or terrible or repulsive to go out there. I push myself to help reclaim parts of my dignity and pride.

 

                                                       

Me, doing the thing. Trying to be brave. Hilariously blocking out my cast mates' faces

So, why am I talking about this? I wanted to cosplay The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl for Boston Comic Con. I was so down for this. But I read the comments. I let people's issues and negativity get the best of me. I retreated, allowing myself to be swallowed up in the storm of my own darkness and decided maybe it isn't the best choice. Even though she has on leggings/tights, she is still wearing a bathing suit. I know I could pull it off - For Christ's sake, I prance around in a corset on stage for 2 hours after a small breakdown...I got this - but my infantile confidence falters when I realize there will be pictures. And not ones I have consented to. I may become a punching bag for the internet and I just don't know if I am strong enough to handle that. I shouldn't have to fear this. No one should, yet this is the reality of being fat (and a woman) in our world.

Perhaps we need to sit back and really think about why we feel we can comment so negatively on others when we know nothing about them. Perhaps we need to think about how our actions and words, written or spoken, effect those they are aimed at as well as those reading or listening.

Until then, I am going to continue trying to be (unapologetically) my authentic self. And try to live by some of Tess' words: