Even the Mighty Baker Falls

Even the mightiest of home cooks/bakers fail. And that is what I did. Not only do I not have the Pinterest Diaries entry on Pink Ombre frosting... I didn't even bring a home baked cake to the Christening. Ready for the deets of this shit show?
 
Good. It's pretty sad/hilarious.
 
The terror starts at Whole Foods. I leave my phone in the car, prompting The Husband to come into the store. Our rule is that if I go in alone, he texts me his parking location. Pretty reasonable if you ask me.
 
If a store is packed, my anxiety goes crazy. My fight or flight instincts cross and they create a level of crazy unseen by many. Naturally, very person who shops at WF was there. I make my way to the cake mixes. I have tried 2 mixes and have only liked 1 (Pamela's). A beautiful sight is before me: a row of Pamela's mixes. I scan them. I scan them again. How about one more time? I push them around to look behind them. There is no white/vanilla cake mix. This is when I start sweating. I look at the other mixes. They only yield 1 cake round and I need two. I am most certainly not paying $5.99 (which is typical of GF mix) each for 2 packs. He asks why I don't just make a regular cake. BECAUSE IF I AM MAKING IT, I DAMN WELL BETTER GET TO EAT SOME OF IT.

This is when I start losing it. The Husband urges me to just pick one. My reaction is akin to "YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW!" He picks the only other brand that yields 2 rounds: Namaste. I continue freaking out, all the way to the dairy section because not all GF mixes are created equally. Once I can breathe and think, I explain my issue. One can buy all the regular cakes mixes a store has to offer and they will be relatively the same once baked. Relatively. This does not exist in the world of GF products. If it has garbanzo bean flour, it can taste weirdly of fish. Different flours and ratios of flours to gums makes each mix unique. Each box/pack is either wonderful or a ticking time bomb of AWFUL. We get it with the provision that he will run to another store if it doesn't come out well.
 
We get home and I have tucked a prior to WF purchased maple bacon frosted donut in my purse. I decide to lie down and cry because panic does that to you. The Husband stays with me. I notice the bed is devoid of cats but figure they are laying in the last sun beams of the day. After about an hour, we get up. The large cat has eaten the donut. The donut I was about to eat, wheat be damned, to cheer me up. The Husband even sniffed the cat's breath. It was maple and bacon scented. I am done with everything at this point. A pizza will be ordered and I will bake later.
 
I should have known when I tried the batter that this was a no-go situation. It was gritty like corn bread, which is weird because the mix is corn-free. It doesn't taste sweet or particularly vanilla like. And there is a flavor I can't identify but will qualify as vaguely hippie. I bake it and hope for the best.
 
At the low end of the bake times listed, it is ready. I take it out and let it cool. The Husband and I taste it... and it tastes kind of like nothing. Like cakey corn bread with much less flavor. We decide this will not work for the event and begin forming a back-up plan. My back-up plan is Coffee Time Bakery in Salem. They are open crazy hours everyday and everything they make is delicious. Not GF but delicious. One strawberry shortcake picked up on the way to church later, everyone loves the cake and things are better but no ombre frosting tutorial. Which is probably better because I forgot to get the food coloring I needed anyway...
 


TL;DR? GF cake mixes aren't created equally. Have a back-up plan.
 

What's on the Calendar?

A few food tutorials and Pinterest Diaries are on their way!

The next week will include:

• Cheater Chilaquiles
• To Roux or Not to Roux? (#spoileralert: I always pick Roux)
• Pinterest Diaries: Pink Ombre Frosted cake
• Jambalaya

Annnnd, if I feel particularly ambitious, maybe some book reviews.

Comeback Kids

2015 has been a pretty decent year so far. To top it all off, it may be the year of the comeback. Thanks to the Superbowl, SNL's 40th, and some frabjous music and literary news this may be the year of cultural renaissance. And by cultural renaissance, I mean everything I like will be considered rad again.
 
Here are my thoughts on who/what will be the biggest comebacks of 2015:

1. The '90s.
   Thanks to Target's crop tops, plaid, and overalls I can only assume the '90s are back. Which means a grunge-style loving me will be happier than kitty with a toy filled with nip.
2. No Doubt
   Let's not kid ourselves, 2012's Push and Shove was a HOT MESS. There are rumors of a reunion/comeback and I could not be more ready. No Doubt defined my teen-dom and adult me is ready to receive a pop-punk-ska album that will give me life. There are rumors that Gavin and Gwen are on the rocks. She writes her best when her heart is broken (see albums Tragic Kingdom and Return of Saturn. Bathe yourself in the glow of their brilliance). This could be epic.
3. Billy Idol
   Back with a new album and a track blowing up my local indie station (Can't Break Me Down), Idol is in the house. And he looks pretty much the same, which translates to old punk guy hot.
4. Missy Elliott
   #keepit100 ? The beat for Get Ur Freak On dropped during the Superbowl and I had an out of body experience. I almost threw my phone across the room in excitement. My heart raced to the point I thought I was going to end up in the hospital. Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed. Amen. Hallelujah. Word on the street is this Goddess is working with Timba on a new album. Missy is back on the map.
5. Miley Cyrus's reputation
   Are we all over the MTV awards bull yet? Ok, good. Miley has pipes. SNL's 40th helped prove that this girl can sing. Her cover of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover was perfection. As are her backyard sessions and her last time as a guest on SNL. AND, she has the Happy Hippie Foundation which is rallying young people to work toward ending social injustice. Say what you want about her preferred genre, or her tongue hanging out ALL THE DAMN TIME in her videos, but you can't deny girl has some serious chops.
   
   
   
6. And the biggest news on the list: HARPER LEE IS PUBLISHING A NEW BOOK.
   That's right, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird is publishing a new book. Ms. Lee, known for not doing interviews and leaving rooms if you pester her about her book is publishing a new one. And it is about Scout Finch. This is literally the best news of the year so far. I doubt anything can top it.
   
   
   What are your predictions?

Pinterest Diaries: Beer and Brown Sugar Pulled Chicken

Sorry for the delay! Yesterday took more out of me than expected, but I got some quality time in with family. I got to deflect emotions with humor. I also got to bring some pulled chicken to my fabulous neighbors AND got baby snuggles for a hot minute. So, ya know, I recouped.

On to the food porn!

The software:

• 1/4 c. tomato paste
• 3 tbs soy sauce
• 3 tbs balsamic vinegar
• 1 tbs Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tsp chili powder
• 1 tsp smoked paprika
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1/3 c. brown sugar, packed
• 12 oz. porter beer
• 6 boneless/skinless chicken thighs
• Slider buns if you want to holla at some sammiches

The hardware:

• Crock Pot
• mixing bowl
• whisk
• measuring spoons/cups
• large mixing spoon
• 2 forks
• 1 plate
• CROCK POT LINER. Seriously, y'all. Hop on this. It makes clean up 1,000 times easier. I have never had one break, melt, get maimed, whatever. Whoever invented these deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for bringing harmony into homes.

The cast of characters, if you will.

Right off the bat, you can see I went rouge. I can't help it. I forgot the Worcestershire sauce. I also thought I had chili powder and paprika. I was wrong. So I used a few dashes of cayenne instead. I also added salt and pepper, BECAUSE WHEN DO YOU NOT ADD SALT AND PEPPER?!?!?! I used reduced sodium soy sauce which is part of the reason I felt the true spirit of #yolo when adding salt.

Let's get cookin'. The original directions are:

1. Whisk together everything but the beer and chicken.
2. Add sauce, chicken, and beer to the crock.
3. Cook on low ~4 hours or until chicken pulls apart easily with a fork Dinglehopper fork (or if you are my mom, a faaaahk).
4. Using 2 forks, shred chicken.

I continued my rogue streak and did things differently. My version:

1. Whisk together everything but brown sugar and beer. The teeny tiny can I had measured 2 tablespoon more than needed. I felt it was negligible and added the whole thing. More of that #yolo swag.
   
2. Pack that brown sugar! Whisk it in. At this point, it was not a sauce. It was a paste. I decided it needed to be thinned out before hitting the crock.
   
3. Whisk in the beer. Make sure to scrape the sides.
   
4. Line dat crock, yo'!
   
5. Pour half of the sauce into the crock. Put the chicken in, tossing it to make sure it is covered in sauce. I had boneless/skinless chicken breast and not thighs. Whoops.
   
6. Pour the rest of the sauce in, covering the chicken. Using the mixing spoon, tuck the chicken into its saucy bath.
   
   Cover. Set it on low. Forget it. Well, kind of. I cooked this from around 10 PM until about 5:45 AM. Mostly because that is when I woke up to pee. Around 1 AM, I turned the breasts (of which there were approx. 4). I then turned it to warm so I could grab some more z's.
7. At about 8:45 AM, I got up for real to get to shredding. I pissed off the cats by refusing to feed them but the smell of deliciousness seemed to mellow them out as they mewed in vain, pleading for a morsel or two. #sorrynotsorry I grabbed a plate and shredded it a breast at a time, throwing the shreds back into the sauce, mixing well so every one was covered. I kept the crock on warm until we left around 9:30 AM and put it back on a few hours later after the services. Apologies. This is where my pictures end.

Results:
I felt it was a little too...tangy. I assume this is where my tomato paste #yolo moment backfired. However, plenty of other people enjoyed it. Honestly, I would up the garlic next time and maybe add a little more sugar to cut the tang. The Husband suggested using a different beer as he felt the porter was too assertive. He suggested maybe a stout. I suggested maybe a different porter or whatever beer is on hand.

Would I do it again? Heck yes. It was tasty, fairly inexpensive as most of it is pantry staples for us. I almost always have brown sugar and there will never be a day when my house is barren of soy sauce. We had some balsamic on hand too. It was independently verified as delicious by family members that don't have to tell me they like what I make.

 

I declare this as a win.

Introducing Pinterest Diaries

Often, I like to think I can craft. Sometimes this is a big win. Other times, not so much. Whether trying new stuff in the kitchen or trying not to get craft herpes (it's ok glitter, you're still my favorite color) all over the damn place, Pinterest has given us would be crafters/home cooks/DIY-ers a place to revel.

You can find EVERYTHING on Pinterest. Cute dogs? You got it. Cosplay ideas. Boom. Done. Quick dinner ideas? Holla! Gadgets and gizmos? A plenty. Whozits and whatsits? Galore. Thingamabobs? At least twenty.

I have talked about wanting to DIY a lot of stuff on my 30 Before 30/soon to be 35 Before 35, as well as wanting to expand on what I make in the kitchen-new recipes and ingredients. I have decided to add a new, reoccurring post theme to display the new things I make. The good, the bad, the inedible, the ugly, the everything.

I get my first chance at a new Pinterest recipe tonight. I needed a hot dish to bring to the coalition (or if you are me and can't take death seriously, the funeral after party) for my Uncle. I chose a pulled chicken made with brown sugar and beer. Beer? Yes. Good for an after party, right? Especially for this Uncle. George, while he stopped drinking later in life, gave me the best beer advice I have ever received--and it was at the tender age of 8: Don't wash down a package of Oreos with a 6 pack of beer. You'll get a hell of a hangover!*

So, tonight or tomorrow I will have my first installment of the Pinterest Diaries-Beer and Brown Sugar Pulled Chicken. And if it comes out a hot mess? I'll have to get real friggin' creative, real friggin' early in the morning.



*I have taken this advice seriously and have never washed Oreos down with beer. I stick to milk. Good lookin' out, Uncle George. <3

Targets New Target?

Can I start this off with explaining that I love shopping at Target? The cartwheel app is brilliant and I can shop their clearance like a mofo. It's what I  do. I am cheap as hell.

So there I am my friendly neighborhood Target, with The Husband, shopping for some essentials. Bless the one stop shopping value of having the deodorant and the shaving accouterments in one aisle. I get to the end, near the intersection of liquid hand soap and there, on the side of the end cap, is what can only be described as my own personal nightmare: a line of 50 Shades of Grey...products.

Blindfolds.

Massage oil.

Cock rings.

Vibrating cock rings.

Target, you can't fool me by calling it a love ring or a pleasure ring, or whatever else you want to call it. There is no denying what it is.

I stopped, dead in my tracks. "Holy shit!"

Assuming something was wrong, The Husband voiced his concern and wanted to know what it was.

I explained, between laughing, what it was. He seemed not to believe me. I pulled it off the rack and showed him.

"Its a fucking cock ring. A 50 Shades of Grey cock ring. There is no denying what it is. Amirite?"

We were in agreement. There, in a family friendly aisle, no where near the lube, condoms, etc. was a chintzy cock ring.

Target, you ain't foolin' nobody.

Should I have been upset at a sex toy in a regular, non-sex themed section of the store? *Shrug* If anything, I found it hilarious...and a trifle bit sad. Not only is it a cheap, most likely one time use...item, its branded for 50 Shades.

No. I didn't read it. It got its start as Twilight fanfic. I can't respect that. I am a book snob. 

From what I understand, it is also a piss poor representation of BDSM relationships that borders on abuse instead of actual BDSM. Unrealistic portrayal of a life style that is often viewed negatively doesn't help the cause. And, if it does portray abuse rather than BDSM that is a serious issue. Abuse shouldn't be glorified or fetishized. It shouldn't be the basis of a mainstream best seller, turned into a movie, with a line of readily available products that blur the line in a store like Target. If you are into it, go to a reputable adult store instead of supporting this franchise (the books/movies, not Target).

TL;DR? 

Target has cheap cock rings/50 Shades of Grey is dumb.

To 2015

Another year has come to a close. I accomplished less than I wanted to this year but feel like I am headed on the right track.

My lack of thirty before thirty accomplishments have been nagging at me. I don't feel like I am eating well or being well. I feel like everyday I am letting down everyone around me by not having a baby or not having a degree with some fancy pants job. I feel like I let my cats down by not buying super snooty cat food. It seems like everywhere I turn, I am faced with the feeling that I am not enough.

As 2015 begins, I want to stop feeling like this. I want to feel free to be enough. To feel like I am not letting anyone down by being myself. And to not feel like I am letting myself down. The first step, is to extend the thirty before thirty. Thirty-Five Before Thirty-Five. Take some time to enjoy the things I do, instead of feeling like I need to cram it all into the next 9 months to feel like I accomplished something.

So here is to trying to feel like I am enough. To trying to head into this year with open mind and heart so I can get myself back to some kind of good.